


Perfect (the way you are)

by thatlineislongg



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Like really angsty, M/M, Protective Steve Rogers, Sad, Self-Harm, Tony Angst, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, Triggers, read the tags, this is really angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:08:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22117648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatlineislongg/pseuds/thatlineislongg
Summary: Tony is spiralling. Every look in the mirror, every photo of him, every simple comment makes him feel worthless. Fat. Ugly.It's up to Steve to show him that this is most certainly not the case, and he is perfect just the way he is.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 9
Kudos: 171





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *This fic deals with mental health, self harm and body issues. If you are triggered by anything please be careful and read all the tags* 
> 
> This is a bit angstier than what I usually write but I hope y'all enjoy it anyway!
> 
> Thanks for reading! x

Tony looked in the mirror feeling sick. 

His eyes scanned his half-naked body, over and over again, blinking the water out of his eyes. 

He looked disgusting. His body was absolutely disgusting. 

Why had Steve settled for him when he looked like that? Tony didn't have huge muscles or chiselled abs like him. He was fat and old and he hated himself. Every, single bit of himself. He hated it all. 

"Tony?" Steve walked into the room, and Tony quickly smiled, acting like nothing was wrong. 

"Hey," he said, moving over to get his jeans and t-shirt out the cupboard. He didnt want Steve to see him like this for one second more. 

Steve stared at his face and gave him an odd look. "You okay?" 

Tony smiled at him, nodding furiously, and when Steve opened his mouth to say something, Tony quickly cut him off, rambling about his ideas for Steve's shield. 

Steve quickly became distracted, seemingly forgetting about it. Tony didnt. 

______________

It had become a tradition for the team to take turns to cook dinner each night, and they would all sit together on the table and eat it like some big family. 

It was Bruce cooking today, and- usually Tony loved Bruce's excotic range of dishes, but not today. 

Today, it felt like every spoonful was adding to the fat on his body. Making him look disgusting. Ugly. Not good enough. 

He pushed it away, the barely-touched curry laying pathetically on the plate. 

When everyone looked at him, he feigned surprise. "I just remembered Pepper wanted some new design plans ready for the meeting tomorrow." He said, jumping out of his seat. "It was nice food, Bruce."

Steve frowned. "You can't stay?"

Tony shook his head. "No, this is really important."

They shared a look, and Tony's heart spasmed as he realised Steve remebered earlier. 

"I'll take it with me, and eat in the lab," Tony said taking the plate as he began to walk out. 

Steve kept staring at him, concern etched on his features. 

Tony laughed, but it sounded so fake. Why did it sound so fake? "I'll eat it," he said. 

He didn't. 

____________

A week later, there was a Charity ball that him and Steve needed to attend. 

Tony put on his tuxedo and looked in the mirror. He looked good, he noticed. He didnt look fat. He wasn't ugly- how could he think that?

Steve met him downstairs in the lobby, winking as he adjusted his bright-red tie. "Looking good, Tony" he said, and they walked to the car, hand in hand. 

The ball went amazing and they managed to raise millions of pounds for homeless children in Brooklyn. 

The next day, the newspapers printed pictures of him and Steve at the ball. 

'Superhero hotties raise money', the headline said. 

It was a flattering picture of him and Steve, but Tony began to look closer, trying to find every imperfection on his body. 

He looked fat, and his top half was too heavy. He was so much shorter than Steve. 

Disgusting, he thought. How could he even think he looked good?

Tony put on his excersise gear and worked out til he was shaking. Clint found him five hours later, laying on the floor, gasping for air. 

"Getting tired, old man?" he said grinning, picking up one of the weights effortlessly. 

Tony didnt leave for another three hours after that. 

_________________

Tony weighed himself on the scale and then measured his height. He typed it in on the computer, and it said he was a healthy weight. 

How could he possibly be a healthy weight? He was clearly fat.

"JARVIS? Is this thing accurate?" He called. 

"Yes, sir, you are a healthy weight."

Tony shook his head. "No." he muttered. "I'm not."

So he searched up the amount of calories he had eaten that day, and felt sick. 

"I need to stop eating so much. This is why i'm so fat." He said

"Sir, you are eating less than the reccomended amount of cal-"

"No." Tony whispered, cutting JARVIS off. 

__________________

Tony stopped attending team meals after that. He didnt eat breakfast anymore. He would only allow himself to eat a few snacks and that was it. Maybe a sandwich if he got dizzy. 

He hated how it made him feel good in a sort of way. It scared him. They way he almost enjoyed hurting himself. Deep down, he knew what he was doing wasn't right, but he couldnt stop. 

"Finished!" he heard someone shout, and he looked over from where he was sitting with Steve and the rest of the team in the lounge. 

Natasha walked in, a plate piled with chocolate brownies in her hands, and Tony's stomach gurgled in hunger. 

Steve chuckled, squeezing his arm around Tony lovingly. "Someone's hungry," he said, pecking him on the lips before reaching over to get two brownies.

He gave one of them to Tony, before taking a bite of his own. "Mm," he said, "These are really good, Nat"

She smiled at him, offering them to everyone else. 

Steve looked down at Tony, smiling. "Try it," he said, "They're really good."

Tony couldnt do it. Fat. He was just making himself fatter and uglier, but everyone was staring at him expectantantly. 

He took a little nibble, and then another, and then another, until the entire brownie was finished. It was rich and chocolatey and still slightly warm and it was so fucking tasty. 

"These are amazing." he said, and reached out for another. 

And Tony suddenly couldnt stop eating them. He had had six already, and still he wanted more. He felt so disgusting, but it was like something was controlling him, making him eat more and more. 

He took a couple from the pile and wrapped them in a tissue. 

"For later," he said, smiling slightly. 

He walked to the workshop, eating the brownies, and when he reached for another, he realised he had finished them.

Something dark settled in his gut and he felt sick. He was fat. He was ugly. He was nothing. Nothing. 

He stumbled into the workshop, chest heaving as he fought to take deep breaths. 

How could he be so stupid? Why did he eat so many? Tony didnt know what to do, and he had never hated himself more. 

He rushed over to the toilet and vomited, before collapsing on the floor, sobbing. 

He was so stupid, so dumb, so fat, so ugly. He needed to be punished. He had to punish hims-

There was a razor sitting on the sink next to him, the metal glinting innocently. Tony was reminded of high school, the cuts and the long sleeves and the bloody bandages. 

He hadnt done it in so long, but surely one cut wouldnt do anything? He just needed it, the punishment, the pain to distract him. To heal him. 

He lifted the razor to his shaking wrist, when the door opened. 

There was silence, thick and claustrophobic. 

And then he heard a small voice, so quiet he could've sworn he had imagined it. "Tony?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Tony?" the voice said again. 

And then his heart was racing and he couldn't breathe. He stared down at the ground, breathing heavily, trying to look everywhere except from him.

From Steve. 

Steve must hate him- or worse, pity him. Tony knew he was weak, knew he could never even compare himself to any of the other Avengers. His body was weak, and it seemed his mind was too. 

Tony couldn't help himself. He peered at Steve's face, and was shocked by what he saw. 

Silent tears were falling down his face, and Steve looked so defeated, so upset...Tony had done this to him. Oh, god. Why did he have to ruin everything?

Tony felt the razor being taken out of his hands and then he was pulled into warm arms. He felt the tension drain out of his body and suddenly he just felt so tired. 

"I'm sorry, Steve." he whispered. "I couldn't help it."

Steve pulled him tighter. "No, no, no. It's not your fault. Tony...fuck. This is my fault. I thought- I don't know. I didn't realise it was like this."

"Im sorry..." he whispered. 

Steve wiped a tear from his face. "Would you like to talk about it. Please, Tony. Just talk to me."

Tony began sobbing. "Every time I look in the mirror, all I see is fat. And I know that i'm just old and overweight compared to everyone else." He said, burying his face in Steve's chest. "And i always wonder how you can even stand to be with me."

Steve tensed up at that, and pulled Tony back so they were sitting on the ground, face-to-face. "How could you even think that? I love you, Tony. I love you so fucking much it hurts. You've given me a reason to live. When I woke up from the ice, everyone was gone. I was broken. 

But then you came. When I wouldn't speak, you wouldn't stop talking because all you wanted to do was help me. You helped me get in touch with the new culture and then you desgined my suit and you fucking dazzled me with your beauty and your brains."

Tony sniffled. "Y-you really mean that?"

Steve shook his head furiously. "Why would you even think that I would lie to you like that?" 

"I'm not good enough." Tony said. "I'm boring. My jokes are stupid. Hell, Sam and Clint make you laugh more than I ever can. Whenever I'm around the Avengers, I don't feel like I belong. I'm just the man in the suit. No tricks, nothing."

"Tony-"

"No, Steve, seriously." Tony paused. "I know that I can't be like them in fighting. But i know I can change my body- I can be perefect like them."

"Y-you are perfect, Tony. You are-"

"But I'm fucking not- okay? All i see is the fat. You don't understand- why would you?" He let out a watery chuckle. "The funny thing is, sometimes- when I see myself- I think I look good. I'm almost proud of myself. But then I look closer. I see all the flaws. And I have to hurt myself, cause I deserve it."

"You don't deserve it, Tony."

"I do. I do deserve it." Tony couldn't stop the tears. He couldn't stop the salty water rushing down his face. He screamed and sobbed, shaking his head. "I just want to be perfect. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE PERFECT?" he shouted. "I- Steve. I-I'm not okay. I'm not okay. It-"

"Shh." Steve said, running his fingers gently through Tony's hair. "It's going to be okay. I'm going to help you, like you helped me. Like you helped every single one of the Avengers living here. Like you've helped so many people on this planet with your incredible brains. You've helped so many people. What you're going through is difficult, but i'm here. I'm here for you. It's going to be okay," Steve himself was crying, his words coming out rushed and hoarse. 

All Tony could do was nod silently, looking at Steve through blurry vision. 

It was going to be okay.

_________________

The recovery proved more difficult than Tony thought it would. He never imagined how difficult it would be to love himself, to stop thinking of himself as worthless. 

Mealtimes were especially hard for him, but it was easier. He could rely on Steve to distract him from his thoughts. To help him get through this. 

Tony would have his good days, and he would have his bad days. 

But he was finally at peace with himself. He always knew he had Steve to support him, and his therapist had also offered him help anytime Tony felt it was getting bad again.

Tony knew it would never be fully gone, but he accepted that. 

Just like he accepted that he was perfect, just the way he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of the hardest chapters I've had to write. I feel like it doesn't fully portray Tony's emotions, but I couldn't bring myself to do it as it really upset me. People don't realise that recovery is more than just eating more. It's about resilience and gaining the strength to accept and love yourself. Anyone that has been through this is so strong x


End file.
